The Engaged Driver

Do you get the feeling these days that you’re being taken for a ride by your own car, its electronic controls navigating you wherever they deem fit?  Do you feel that the modern car is all about safety and risk prevention instead of an unrestrained driving experience, despite the promise of  the open road offered in glossy magazine ads of  rugged cars pioneering through a photoshopped wilderness? 

Are you ready to come out of your automotive cocoon? 

If yes, you can book a flight to Barbados and immerse yourself in a bare-bones stunt that’s off limits in safety- and comfort-conscious Europe and North America.  Just head for the desk at one of the rental car pavillions outside the airport doors—Stoutes and Drive-A-Matic are two of the big ones—and ask for the keys to a ‘Moke.’* You’ll get the island’s own couturier version of that rock-and- rolling beach chair blueprinted decades ago.   Its a Vivienne Westwood shell, with fresh internals from KIA, Daewoo and the like (basically, whatever subcompact comes to hand) sitting on a cut-to-size, cut-out modern frame.   No pimping of the retro look in the vein of BMW’s Mini reincarnation here. 

And hip it is, not hip replacement, to climb into this Moke. 

Cruising along the ocean and racing inland through hilly terrain, you’re in touch with the elements at all times, airborne one moment, amphibious the other.  Sunshine or rain.  Wet tarmac is instant karma.  Just because these Chinese-made tires are round doesn’t mean they have any grip.  So enjoy the wagging tail in sharp bends.  And never mind the rain pouring in.  There is no carpeting or sound-deadening; the floor is just that--a metal bottom tray with drain holes.  Look down and you can watch the road zipping by with the puddles trying to lash in. 

Battered, beach-weathered roads let the Moke go rodeo.  It needs a sturdy hand on the wheel and a stoic mindset not to worry that something might fall off (including your passenger).  It won’t.  Not even at higher speeds, which translates for the Moke into some 50 or 60mph and then some, if you really try hard.  The detachable canvas top stays put thanks to snaps, believe it or not.  It protests, though, with ear deafening flapping.  But don’t even think about pushing above 80, with horsepower options maxed out in the lower 60hp’s.  More adrenaline is, however, available after peeling off the head-cover.  To cope with the ensuing tornado just put on a pair of shades; any other headgear will fly off instantly.  And don’t be surprised if a pebble flips into your lap. 

Beachcombers and others in search for someplace secluded--to store valuables that is--are offered a lockable trunk with disabled folding seats, preventing sneaking in the other way.   Speaking of protection, since there are effectively no doors, the side sills have been pulled upward waist-high, sporting internal tubular reinforcements, the only shield against love bites from a nasty competitor. 

Now, the roll cage is really a matter of street smart thinking:  Climb the high sill and you’re in for a nasty head-banger.   So, don’t do a cage all the way from the front but start at the B-pillar back.  That’s it.  In case you roll-over simply trust the windshield frame to join in for support. 

And where are these Mokes born?   Well, right on the island, in a commercial zone near the town of Warrens.  Apparently the local Authority consider road signs uncool, so it takes a bit of navigational free-style to find the place.  Once in sight you can’t suppress a sigh of heartfelt relief, not because you finally made it, but because the place looks like it has survived the last bomb raid successfully after all, with only the company logo missing.  This multicolored hangar in corrugated steel houses a wild panopticon of automotive carcasses in various stages of hope.  Pigeons flutter in and out of impromptu skylights as a mechanic reattaches a dashboard.  It’s specialized as body shop only, so Moke conversions fit in neatly. 

Proudly standing next to an open air reassigned Moke-in-progress, in jeans and T-shirt, soft-spoken but hard-nosed owner and entrepreneur James Edwards (also known as Paddy) is running down the specs:  Bring in a city-car size runner like KIA’s Picanto or Daewoo/Chevrolet’s Spark, and for US $3,500 in 3 weeks time the conversion will be done.  The patients can be brand new or weathered, it's okay either way.  This is not a mass production, though, and the turn-out is, let’s say, rather exclusive.  Privateers do exist, but the bulk is done for the local rental companies.  A question about regulations and paperwork necessary for making the cars street legal gets answered with a blank look.  So be clear, with the lack of official safety regulations, your driving life depends on his hands.

Is there any competition?  “They’ve tried ... “ Edwards growls.  The air of entitlement comes with a  backdrop of 40 years or so in the business, and details like starting off big with the elephants of the trade--buses, developing the rental car company clientele,  keeping after his workers, paying off the mortgage, and basically working really hard to sew up this niche market.

Finally, what’s the shelf life of one of these hard-driving, hard-partying cars?  Not long.  Stoutes retire a Moke after a year of servicing drive-starved tourists.  Drive-A-Matic pushes their fleet a little longer.  As no local Bajans would subject themselves to the indignities of driving a Moke for the long haul, you might wonder where the Mokes go to die.  Well, driving  up to the Emerald City Supermarket up at Six Roads, you will find an end-stage Moke unwittingly turned into a planter in an abandoned lot.

* The original,  jeep-like Moke was  a British Motor Corporation product of the 60s, entirely based on the Mini and its components and originally intended for light military purpose – believe it or not.